Thursday, September 27, 2007
Forgiveness
Please forgive me. My schedule is in FLUX at the moment. And that is putting it mildly. Kind of like saying learning how to walk again after having both legs broken is "challenging". With a bit of luck mixed with discipline I will be back again the week of October 8th.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Children
I thought with the kids back in school and everyone getting back to a regular routine it would be a good time to talk about kids.
Throughout the years I have often been asked what mistake parents make most often, my answer:
Parents forget they are raising adults, not children.
If you treat a child like a child, he/she will grow up to act like a child. If you raise your child to learn how to respond to various situations in an age appropriate way, they will grow to learn how good decisions are made.
For example, I know quite a few people who do not believe in giving their children chores. Their reasoning behind this is that they feel it robs them of their childhood. Chores are a wonderful way of helping a child feel needed and part of the family. In addition it teaches them responsibility and gives them a sense of accomplishment. Chores help children grow into mature responsible adults.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Glitch?
Not sure what has happend. I just saw the my post for today didn't take. I will try again tomorrow.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly!
The Yellow Garden Spider aka Argiope aurantia
Some things are exactly what they look like! Had I seen this I might not have been so anxious to retrieve the basil from my garden. This spider was almost two inches big, the picture is almost life size. When I saw my had had been right nest to it I did say "EEEEKKKK".
Sometimes not knowing what is coming is OK. This spider is harmless and only bites if provoked. So even though danger seemed to be lurking, it was only my perception and not a reality. Again I quote Aristotle:
To perceive is to suffer. ~Aristotle
I actually think spiders are really cool, they are just scary when they creep up on me.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Barbequed Kitty
To perceive is to suffer. ~Aristotle
Looking out the window with mild concern on his face my husband inquires "Is the Barbeque still on?"
"Nope, turned it off" I replied.
"That's good, look out the window"
Kitty was just enjoying the remnants of steak left on the grill. Her name is Mistoffelees.(Misty for short) No animals were harmed in the production of this journal entry.
As we all know Aristotle was a genius. Not everything looks like what it seems. Not everyone has the same perspective. Take time to investigate your perspective and listen to others as well. You will be richly rewarded.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Without Warning
Without Warning
by Sappho.
Without warning
as a whirlwind
swoops on an oak
Love shakes my heart
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Gremlins
Please excuse my lack of a blog for today. My computer got a nasty virus and I had to help it barf out all the junk and restore it to is original factory setting. Next I got to spend time reacquainting it with my desires. Me thinks the computer is a male!
See you tomorrow! (hopefully)
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
The Witch and St. Anthony
We have been dealing with some very serious matters. I would like to lighten it up a bit...
Here is a story about a Witch (me, I fancy myself a witch) and St. Anthony.
The other day my daughter and I went to the mall.
I got in my car
It has a cute Bumper Sticker
This is my key chain
I went to the mall to buy this
and these
While I was buying the above, I took out my keys to prepare my walk to the car. The cashier handed me my bag, and off I went. As I was walking out of
when I bought the glasses I passed a card store.
It had a wonderful Halloween display.
That is where I saw this. It begged me to buy it.
so I bought it. Then I went to grab the keys.
GONE! So, I went back to Macy's, then back to the card store then back to Macy's and then back to the card store then back to Macy's. Ok I am sure you have the idea.
At Macy's they kept telling me to go to lost and found. I thought they were nuts. I only lost the keys 15 min. before. But, alas, a prayer to St. Anthony and a trip to the Lost and Found, produced the keys! The person standing next to me when I bought the glasses took my keys thinking they were theirs! They were nice enough to return them.
So Yes, a Witch can pray to a Saint and have a prayer answered.
Thank you Saint Anthony!
Septemeber 11, 2001
What I remember about 9/11
I live in New York in an area where it is impossible to forget what happened on September 11, 2001. There are signs and reminders everywhere of those we lost and those who continue to fight for peace. Each day these men and women, and their families are in my prayers.
What I remember today is the out pouring of love that came from that horrible act of hate.
On that day, and the days that followed, people put their personal differences aside, stepped outside of their comfort zone and helped one another.
~ People stood on line for hours to donate blood.
~ Road rage seemed to be nonexistent.
~ Churches of every denomination were filled to capacity.
~ People spoke with each other in line instead of becoming inpatient.
~ Stories of personal sacrifice to help others were abundant. (and made the news, dotn't get me started on that one.)
In the face of this tragedy, Love thrived. All people wanted to do is reach out to their fellow humans and offer their support.
As a suggestion, besides prayer, flying your flag, or putting your headlights on, include recalling how else you responded on that day. Reach out to others in a spirit of love. Even if it is something as small as letting someone go before you in line, or whispering a prayer for the person who cut you off. These simple acts of kinds will bless you and the world abundantly.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Dealing with Prejudiced People
If you are just joining my journal this is the final entry of an on going series devoted to helping one deal with judgmental people. If you would like to catch up click on archives and begin on August 25th.
Dealing with Prejudiced People.
This will be my last entry on dealing with Judgmental people. Tomorrow we will move on to other topics.
The Prejudiced: This last group is a combination of all the above and can be created in two ways. One, they were brought up to be prejudiced. Two, they were a victim of circumstance. These people either had their belief drummed into them at a very early and impressionable age, or, they experienced events or situations that seemed to support a belief or stereotype held by their family or social group.
I have had a lot of experience dealing with people who are prejudice and it is rarely an easy situation, especially when their prejudiced is directed at you. How you deal with this type of person is a very personal experience and many things factor in to the overall experience. Situations can range from being involved with the prejudice person in your family or socially, in the work place, or in the worst case scenarios, in a life threatening situation.
First and foremost, is your safety and the safety of your loved ones. This is always be a priority and it is best not to be confrontational with a potentially violent person. Finding a gracious way out of the situation untilyou can confront the issue in a safe environment is always the best response.
It is also an option to just ignore the person, or their prejudice. Remember, we all have something we are prejudice about. Sometimes, you just have to leave a person where they are until they have enough experience to learn that they need to change their opinion. And, it is OK to do that. You do not have to single handedly change the world.
Last, If safety isn't an issue and an offending individuals prejudice is something you feel the need to address, it will take time and patience. Getting confrontational with this person will only back them into a corner and cause them to hold tighter to their beliefs.
Changing the mind of the prejudice will require you to utilize all of the ideas that have thus far been presented. If this is a task you choose to undertake, understand it will take a great deal of time, patience and love. Yes, LOVE! It will help to remember that prejudice usually comes from hurt or fear, whether real or imagined.
One last thing to remember, Sometimes people who need love the most, deserve it the least.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
The Offended
Today we will discuss dealing with judgmental people who believe they are being offended.
Here is a recap of that group: The offended: This type of person is jealous or they take personal offense to whatever behavior they are judging you for. They tend to either shun you or talk behind your back
This type of judgmental person can be either fun to deal with or easy to deal with. It depends on which way you choose to do so.
The easy way is to just ignore them. That usually drives them nuts. You can also take their "insults" as a compliment. This not only drives them nuts, confuses them and scares them away.
The Fun way to deal with this type, and this may strictly be an opinion, is to help them learn that their opinion is not necessarily the truth. I gave you one example at the beginning of the week when I told the story of changing my daughters judgmental opinion. Here is an example from my youth.
When I was growing up I had to deal with people who thought I was a "rich bitch." These people would shun me, be rude, or down right nasty. They were offended by their belief that I had money and was more well off then them. They thought that if I was rich I would automatically look down at them and be nasty, so they decided to be nasty first. They took personal offense to my "wealth". At the time I didn't know why people were being nasty to me, it wasn't something I learned until I grew up and was at a reunion. It was then that they told me they were jealous of me because I was "rich." I asked them what ever led them to believe such a thing, because I was by no means rich. They answered "Well you were driven to school in your Rolls Royce by a chauffeur everyday." The chauffeur was my father, the car was his bosses, and he would drop me off at school on his way to work. They were shocked, learned a lesson, and apologized for their behavior. I thanked them and assured them I held no ill will. We had a few drinks together and enjoyed each others company the rest of the evening.
This type of judgmental person can be a challenge, but if you try to see things from their point of view and use a little of your own imagination, you can really turn a bad situation around. Choosing which method to use and when, will be very circumstantial. Either way, remember, do not allow someone else's judgmental opinion damage your self worth.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Down Wonton Down!
Me thinks the man in this poem begs part of his body to be more judgmental.
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Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Judgmentally Reformed
Dealing With The Judgmentally Reformed
These are the people who frown upon your behavior because they no longer engage in said behavior. These types of people could be reformed alcoholics, drug users, smokers, over eaters, workaholics, etc. They get preachy and will use whatever method necessary to get you to listen to them. They and can get overly demonstrative in their zeal to convert you to their beliefs and they may also resort to embarrassing you in public.
This type of judgmental person is particularly difficult to manage. They often make valid points, however they are projecting their needs on to you. It isn't that what they are saying is incorrect, it just doesn't apply to you.
When engaging with this person, remember they are healing. In offering their opinion they are simply trying to help themselves. The more they share their opinion, the more it reminds them that they are still healing.
If you can listen with an understanding ear and remember that their issues do not affect you, then you will be able to avoid being insulted. However, you may also want to change the topic. The more one focuses on ones recovery, the longer they stay in "recovery" mode, instead of moving into a "recovered" state of mind. It is important to gently guide them to finding other things to focus on. Replace recovery with forward movement and future successes.
Dealing with people in recovery can feel like a huge responsibility. It is important to remember that you nor I are trained therapists or counselors. I could go on for days with this one but it comes down to this.
1. Remember that this person is healing and still struggling with a demon.
2. Remember that they are not necessarily accusing you, as much as they are trying to remind them selves.
3. Try to stee the conversation in another direction.
4. Try to avoid behavior that will spark their desire to revisit their addiction or demon.
5. If necessary, monitor their behavior. Perhaps they are seeking therapy, but do not know how to ask.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
You've Got a Hold On Me!
Dealing with the judgmental offender who has some sort of emotional or geographical hold on you.
The solution to this is somewhat easier then yesterdays perpetrator, but the methods used require you to "grow a set."
The person who offends in this capacity is usually someone who is an elder. Most of us were taught to respect our elders, and I do adhere to that. However, when an elder refuses to respect us in return, it does change the rules slightly.
It is always a good thing to retain your respect for the person. You can respect the person and respond with respect, and still disrespect the behavior that the person displayed.
Now let me give you a personal example so you will understand what I mean:
I have a father-in-law who is ridiculously prejudiced. This doesn't sit well with me. I have a variety of friends of every race, nationality, and religion. I also fought against the KKK from coming into school when I was in high school. prejudice causes my father to be obnoxiously uncomfortable in the company of a variety of different ethnic backgrounds. I do not agree with my father-in-laws opinions or his behavior, however I think it is important for my children to know their grandparents. This causes me to have strictly "family" events where only the family is invited; my friends and my family are invited to all other gatherings. This way I am able to respect my father-in-law, and make all parties feel comfortable when at my house.
This man is my children's grandfather. We all know that grandparents are famous for telling stories. Mostly they tell their grandchildren endearing stores of their parents youth. My father-in-law however told degrading and untrue stories of my husband to my children. It was at this point, as a parent and wife, I needed to confront the situation. My father-in-law is 6 feet tall and a former Marine, I am five feet tall and a dancer. He could kick my ass without even lifting his foot of the ground. He degraded my husband once too often in front of my kids. I stood up, looked up at him and said "Never again make the father of my children look bad in their eyes." I didn't threaten or give an ultimatum.
I am not confrontational. I had never spoken back to anyone. I had never even gotten into a disagreement with anyone in the family before. I also never kept my thoughts or feelings quiet in as far as how I felt about anything in particular. I don't bluff. He knew that. While I didn't threaten or give and ultimatum, he knew that I was serious and that things would not go well if he continued to engage in such behavior. That was the last time he ever did such a thing.
When dealing with this type or person, address the specific behavior and how it makes you feel. It is not necessary to insult the person or attack the their feelings. They will get the point if you tell them how their behavior makes you feel and that you are unable to tolerate it.
People in your life who have a judgmental choke hold on you, keep that hold because you allow it. You can stop it. You can do it respectfully. You just have to believe in yourself and that you are worth it.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Dealing with the "Holier Then Thou"
Dealing with the "Holier Then Thou" folks
Today we continue our discussion on how to deal with Judgmental people. Here is a brief recap of this group.
The "Holier Then Thou: These are the people who truly believe they are better then everyone else. These are the people who know the rules forwards and backwards. They believe they follow the rules to the letter and that everyone else should do the same, with no exceptions. They know the right way to do everything, and they also believe it is the only way to do everything. It works for them so it should work the same for everyone else. These people present themselves as caring. They believe that what they are doing or saying is for your own good. They honestly believe that what they are doing or saying is important and that you will thank them later for saving you from yourself.
In my opinion this group is the most difficult to deal with. These people usually are our bosses, parents, clergy, or some other authority figure. They also show up in coworkers who want to be boss, neighbors or relatives who are your age or older. They tend to be on a power trip and depend on their authority to inflate their self esteem. Generally they tend to have very few friends. They almost always blame someone else for anything that goes wrong with them and typically have a persecution complex paired with paranoia.
Handling these types of people depends on what type of authority they actually hold.
If the judgmental person holds a power position that could end you up in jail or without a job, you must be very careful. Dealing with these people is an art form. I work with a woman who is a master! I have learned a lot from her.
The first key is respecting their authority. You do not have to respect the person to respect the authority they hold. It does take swallowing just a bit of pride. I know this can be difficult, but if you keep in mind that there are others in a higher position the the person you are dealing with, that you can appeal to, then with practice, you will be able to keep patient.
Here are a few tips.
~ Appeal to their lack of self esteem by acknowledging their authority. For instance, lets say you have a boss who makes your life a living hell. They know the rules, they enforce the rules, they follow the rules. (or at least they think they do) If you acknowledge their efforts, and make them feel good about themselves, your life will be much easier. If they feel like they are respected, they will at the very least attempt to treat you with respect in return.
Now, I know what follows may seem like "brown nosing" or "kissing up" but there is a big difference. When you acknowledge their efforts and praise their efficiency, or what ever redeeming quality they have, it MUST be sincere! Otherwise, said authority figure, will see through your bull S*&#.
If you remember that these poor individuals are suffering from a horrible case of poor self esteem you will be able to keep all of this in perspective.
~ Request guidance. If your boss asks you to do something a certain way, gives you a project, or implements a new rule, clarify it. Ask for details, go over the information, ask questions about what is required. This will show your boss that you are anxious to learn what knowledge they have and that you are doing your best to fulfill their wishes. It also puts the burden of responsibility on your boss if anything goes wrong.
~ If you come up with a good idea, let them think it was theirs! Now I can you hear boiling right now. BREATH! You are NOT selling yourself out to the "man", you are simply doing what you are paid to do, Make the boss look good. HOWEVER... the boss, has a boss, and incompetence doesn't take long to manifest itself to the powers that be. Eventually, the powers that be will know who has been making things run.
Here are two quotes that have helped me learn to keep a clear head when dealing with authority.
(I have a REAL problem with authority by the way)
Stupidity is what gets us in trouble, Pride is what keeps us there.
~Mark Twain
If you sit by the mouth of the river long enough, the heads of your enemies will soon go floating by.
~ Ancient Chinese Proverb.
Enough for today! Tomorrow we will cover how to handle the judgmental offender who is simply someone who has some sort of emotional or geographical hold on you, this solution is somewhat easier, but requires you to "grow a set."
Saturday, September 1, 2007
A Learning Experience
We have been talking about judgmental people. It has been my experience that judgmental people also tend to be paranoid. I consider myself somewhat of an expert in the area of dealing with judgmental paranoid people. Three out of the four people I live with have the ailment. My daughter, the youngest, is still in her formation years and I am hoping I can widen her frame of reference so she will not have to suffer from this disorder.
Every now and then a parent is presented with a teaching opportunity. If you recognize the opportunity and seize the moment, you may just be able to help the child grow. Last night I was presented with just such an opportunity.
Here is the story:
August, 31, 2007 Bronx, New York. My husband Rich, my daughter Emily, and I arrived at Yankee Stadium at about 5:30pm. My husband has the Friday Night Package which consists of two season tickets to all the Yankee home games that are played on Friday's. We bought an extra ticket for this game so that we could bring our daughter. Usually my husband goes with one of his friends, but last night, Emily and I went.
Yankee stadium has a charm to it and most of that charm isn't from the structure of the building, it is from the people who visit, work and play there. We sit in section 27. There are a good number of people in this section who also hold Friday Package tickets, so we see the same people again and again. It's like a family. The people who sit in this section are a special sort, they like to have fun, they love to cheer the Yankees, they protect their own, they share, they encourage participation and most of all they stick together.
I could write a whole story about the people we sit with, and I promise you it would be quite entertaining. This story is about Emily. Emily was very happy to be at this game for a number of reasons. She knew it was the last of the Friday games she would be able to get to. She also wanted to see a group of guys that she heard tales of from those who have come home raving about. It's a group of about 4-5 guys who changed the words to the YMCA song. They sing it during the 7th inning stretch. This is something you can only see if you sit in section 27. It is quite special, if the video comes out, I promise to share it with you.
The other reason Emily was excited about going is because of a squirrel that recently made Section 27 famous. Section 27 is lined up right in front of the right field foul pole. At the beginning of the season, on one particular Friday night, a squirrel decided to watch the game atop the foul pole. Section 27 being the good natured people that they are, encouraged the squirrel by cheering it every time it moved either up or down said pole. The little rodent was quite entertaining to watch and apparently it enjoyed the attention of the crowed because it stayed for most of the game. I think it needed to beat the traffic rush though because it left at the bottom of the 8th inning.
On Wednesday night August 29th the little fellow returned and section 27 gave him a warm welcome! Section 27 can be quite loud, and if you recall I said that they are quite proficient at encouraging participation. So much so that they were able to get the whole stadium cheering for the squirrel. The crowd drew enough attention to have the film crew covering the game for TV, film the squirrel and continue to check on him throughout the game. On Thursday night, section 27 came up with an idea that would honor their new mascot. Each time the pitcher struck someone out, in stead of hanging a "K" on the wall, they hung up a picture of a squirrel! The film crew captured this for posterity as well.
Last night the park was beautiful. The temperature was perfect, about 70 degrees with a gentle breeze caressing our faces. The waning moon hung right over Yankee stadium adding to the ambiance and we all sat and waited for the squirrel to arrive! The Yankees too of course, but we really did hope to see our new found mascot. We ate our sandwiches, drank our mood enhancers, cheered for the team and waited, and waited and waited. The little varmint never showed! Emily was quite disappointed. She decided that the next best thing was to have her picture taken next to the pole. The game was just about over and the people sitting by the pole were still there. I explained to Emily that I would take her picture, but she had to ask the peoples permission as well. She would have to stand in front of them to take the picture and it would be rude to walk in without permission.
Emily went down and asked permission and I took the picture. I was having camera problems and before I could get a descent shot, she shook her head, waved me away and walked back to me with a devastated look on her face. She was almost in tears.
I inquired why, she answered "the people were making fun of me."
"What did they say?" I asked.
"I don't know." she mumbled.
"Then how do you know they were talking about you?"
Stomping back to her seat she grumbled "I just know!"
Back at our seats all of section 27 now wanted to know why poor Emily was upset. I filled the "family" in and a few of them offered to give the folks below an attitude adjustment. I thanked them and explained that wouldn't be necessary. I continued to talk to Emily about the situation and tried explaining that the people were most likely not talking about her. I further explained not only were they not talking about her, they probably didn't even notice her. She would hear none of it, she was convinced.
Now being a non judgmental parent who doesn't have a persecution complex I am not feeding into her paranoia. This is causing the poor child to get even more upset. She now feels like she was made fun of and her mother is doing nothing to protect her. I then seize the moment and take her into a learning experience.
I turn to Emily and say "Do you want me to go down and talk to them?"
Pouting, she nod in the affirmative.
"Well, all right then, lets go." I grab her hand and stand.
My husband turns white and says "Where are you going?" as if he didn't know.
"I'm just going to go down and talk to the people Emily is upset with." I informed him, like I believe he didn't know.
I do this sort of thing often and this always worries my husband. I have no idea why. I can see the terror on his face. I know the thoughts running through his head; "She's going to get in a fight" "She is going to get us kicked out" "She is going to make me miss watching the Yankees loose this game" and so on. This is because he is judgmentally paranoid as well as being a pessimist. I look at him, pat him on the knee and say "it will be fine."
Now Heather, one of the "family," had overheard the conversation, saw the terror stricken look on my husbands face and offers to go with me. I know the code, Section 27 sticks together, so I said sure. I like Heather a lot and was happy for the back up. Now I knew darn well that the people were not making fun of Emily. I was also relatively certain they weren't even talking about her. I had no fear going into this situation and I knew when all was said and done it would be a positiveexperience for all. Emily Heather and I walked down to the people by the foul pole.
The seats behind the people I wanted to speak with were empty so we sat there. I tapped the man nearest to the pole on the shoulder and said "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure" he replied
In the nicest, most non threatening voice I could muster I said "My daughter was here a few moments ago and she felt that you may have been making fun of her"
"We would never do that!" He answered
"That's what I told her." I agreed. "Thank You!"
I was just about to get up to leave, when a woman sitting with them turns on attitude and says to the woman next to her and says "I don't believe this!"
"Believe what?" I asked
"That you came down here and accused us of making fun of your daughter!" was her retort.
"I'm sorry" I said. "That was not my intention. I didn't think that for one moment, but my daughter did. I am trying to teach my daughter that more often then not people are not talking about her. Additionally, I wanted to teach her that it is important to talk to people to find out what the truth is. I want her to learn that it is important to communicate with people if you feel hurt or upset. I also wanted her to learn that you can do this politely. I am very sorry if I offended you."
"Wow, that's really cool!" she understood and went on to explain that they were talking about the squirrel and all the attention the section has been getting.
We had a great conversation and then went back to our seats. Emily felt better, Heather was impressed, Rich was relieved and I felt certain that my daughter had learned an important lesson.
The lesson: Try to avoid being judgmental. If you can't, at least ask before you shoot.
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