The Judgmentally Reformed

Dealing With The Judgmentally Reformed

These are the people who frown upon your behavior because they no longer engage in said behavior.  These types of people could be reformed alcoholics, drug users, smokers, over eaters, workaholics, etc.  They get preachy and will use whatever method necessary to get you to listen to them.  They and can get overly demonstrative in their zeal to convert you to their beliefs and they may also resort to embarrassing you in public.

 

This type of judgmental person is particularly difficult to manage.  They often make valid points, however they are projecting their needs on to you.  It isn't that what they are saying is incorrect, it just doesn't apply to you.

 

When engaging with this person, remember they are healing.  In offering their opinion they are simply trying to help themselves.  The more they share their opinion, the more it reminds them that they are still healing.

 

If you can listen with an understanding ear and remember that their issues do not affect you, then you will be able to avoid being insulted.  However, you may also want to change the topic.  The more one focuses on ones recovery, the longer they stay in "recovery" mode, instead of moving into a "recovered" state of mind.  It is important to gently guide them to finding other things to focus on.  Replace recovery with forward movement and future successes.

 

Dealing with people in recovery can feel like a huge responsibility. It is important to remember that you nor I are trained therapists or counselors.  I could go on for days with this one but it comes down to this.

 

1.  Remember that this person is healing and still struggling with a demon.

2. Remember that they are not necessarily accusing you, as much as they are trying to remind them selves.

3.  Try to stee the conversation in another direction.

4.  Try to avoid behavior that will spark their desire to revisit their addiction or demon.

5.  If necessary, monitor their behavior.  Perhaps they are seeking therapy, but do not know how to ask.

Tags: The Reformed, Inspiration, Judgmental, Believe, Hope

You've Got a Hold On Me!

 

Dealing with the judgmental offender who has some sort of emotional or geographical hold on you.

 

The  solution to this is somewhat easier then yesterdays perpetrator, but the methods used require you to "grow a set."

 

The person who offends in this capacity is usually someone who is an elder.  Most of us were taught to respect our elders, and I do adhere to that.  However, when an elder refuses to respect us in return, it does change the rules slightly.

 

It is always a good thing to retain your respect for the person.  You can respect the person and respond with respect,  and still disrespect the behavior that the person displayed. 

 

Now let me give you a personal example so you will understand what I mean:

 

I have a father-in-law who is ridiculously prejudiced.  This doesn't sit well with me.  I have a variety of friends of every race, nationality, and religion.  I also fought against the KKK from coming into school  when I was in high school. prejudice causes my father to be obnoxiously uncomfortable in the company of a variety of different ethnic backgrounds.   I do not agree with my father-in-laws opinions or his behavior, however I think it is important for my children to know their grandparents.   This causes me to have strictly "family" events where only the family is invited; my friends and my family are invited to all other gatherings.  This way I am able to respect my father-in-law, and make all parties feel comfortable when at my house.

 

This man is my children's grandfather.  We all know that grandparents are famous for telling stories.  Mostly they tell their grandchildren endearing stores of their parents youth.  My father-in-law however told degrading and untrue stories of my husband to my children.  It was at this point, as a parent and wife, I needed to confront the situation.  My father-in-law is 6 feet tall and a former Marine,  I am five feet tall and a dancer.  He could kick my ass without even lifting his foot of the ground.  He degraded my husband once too often in front of my kids.  I stood up, looked up at him and said "Never again make the father of my children look bad in their eyes."  I didn't threaten or give an ultimatum.

 

I am not confrontational.  I had never spoken back to anyone.  I had never even gotten into a disagreement with anyone in the family before.  I also never kept my thoughts or feelings quiet in as far as how I felt about anything in particular.  I don't bluff.  He knew that.  While I didn't threaten or give and ultimatum, he knew that I was serious and that things would not go well if he continued to engage in such behavior.  That was the last time he ever did such a thing.

 

When dealing with this type or person, address the specific behavior and how it makes you feel.  It is not necessary to insult the person or attack the their feelings.  They will get the point if you tell them how their behavior makes you feel and that you are unable to tolerate it.

 

People in your life who have a judgmental choke hold on you, keep that hold because you allow it.   You can stop it.  You can do it respectfully.  You just have to believe in yourself and that you are worth it.

Tags: Judgemental People, Inspiration, Hope, Believe.

Dealing with the "Holier Then Thou"

Dealing with the "Holier Then Thou" folks

 

Today we continue our discussion on how to deal with Judgmental people.  Here is a brief recap of this group.

 

 The "Holier Then Thou:  These are the people who truly believe they are better then everyone else.  These are the people who know the rules forwards and backwards. They believe they follow the rules to the letter and that everyone else should do the same, with no exceptions. They know the right way to do everything, and they also believe it is the only way to do everything.  It works for them so it should work the same for everyone else.  These people present themselves as caring.  They believe that what they are doing or saying is for your own good.  They honestly believe that what they are doing or saying is important and that you will thank them later for saving you from yourself.

 

 

In my opinion this group is the most difficult to deal with.  These people usually are our bosses, parents, clergy, or some other authority figure.  They also show up in coworkers who want to be boss, neighbors or relatives who are your age or older.   They tend to be on a power trip and depend on their authority to inflate their self esteem.  Generally they tend to have very few friends.  They almost always blame someone else for anything that goes wrong with them and typically have a persecution complex paired with paranoia.

 

Handling these types of people depends on what type of authority they actually hold.

 

If the judgmental person holds a power position that could end you up in jail or without a job, you must be very careful.  Dealing with these people is an art form.  I work with a woman who is a master!   I have learned a lot from her.

 

The first key is respecting their authority.  You do not have to respect the person to respect the authority they hold.  It does take swallowing just a bit of pride.  I know this can be difficult, but if you keep in mind that there are others in a higher position the the person you are dealing with, that you can appeal to, then with practice, you will be able to keep patient.

 

Here are a few tips.

 

~ Appeal to their lack of self esteem by acknowledging their authority.  For instance, lets say you have a boss who makes your life a living hell.  They know the rules, they enforce the rules, they follow the rules. (or at least they think they do)  If you acknowledge their efforts, and make them feel good about themselves, your life will be much easier.  If they feel like they are respected, they will at the very least attempt to treat you with respect in return.

 

Now, I know what follows may seem like "brown nosing" or "kissing up" but there is a big difference.  When you acknowledge their efforts and praise their efficiency, or what ever redeeming quality they have, it MUST be sincere!  Otherwise, said authority figure, will see through your bull S*&#.

 

If you remember that these poor individuals are suffering from a horrible case of poor self esteem you will be able to keep all of this in perspective.

 

~  Request guidance.  If your boss asks you to do something a certain way, gives you a project, or implements a new rule, clarify it.  Ask for details, go over the information, ask questions about what is required.  This will show your boss that you are anxious to learn what knowledge they have and that you are doing your best to fulfill their wishes.  It also puts the burden of responsibility on your boss if anything goes wrong.

 

~  If you come up with a good idea, let them think it was theirs!  Now I can you hear boiling right now.  BREATH!  You are NOT selling yourself out to the "man", you are simply doing what you are paid to do, Make the boss look good.  HOWEVER...  the boss, has a boss, and incompetence doesn't take long to manifest itself to the powers that be.  Eventually, the powers that be will know who has been making things run.

  

 

Here are two quotes that have helped me learn to keep a clear head when dealing with authority.

(I have a REAL problem with authority by the way)

 

Stupidity is what gets us in trouble, Pride is what keeps us there.

                                                 ~Mark Twain

 

If you sit by the mouth of the river long enough, the heads of your enemies will soon go floating by.

                                               ~ Ancient Chinese Proverb.

 

                                          

Enough for today!  Tomorrow we will cover how to handle the judgmental offender who is simply someone who has some sort of emotional or geographical hold on you, this solution is somewhat easier, but requires you to "grow a set."

 

Tags: Judgemental People, Inspiration, Patience, Respect

A Learning Experience

 

 

We have been talking about judgmental people.  It has been my experience that judgmental people also tend to be paranoid.  I consider myself somewhat of an expert in the area of dealing with judgmental paranoid people.  Three out of the four people I live with have the ailment.  My daughter, the youngest, is still in her formation years and I am hoping I can widen her frame of reference so she will not have to suffer from this disorder.

 

Every now and then a parent is presented with a teaching opportunity.  If you recognize the opportunity and seize the moment, you may just be able to help the child grow.  Last night I was presented with just such an opportunity.

 

Here is the story:

 

August, 31, 2007 Bronx, New York.  My husband Rich, my daughter Emily, and I arrived at Yankee Stadium at about 5:30pm.  My husband has the Friday Night Package which consists of two season tickets to all the Yankee home games that are played on Friday's.  We bought an extra ticket for this game so that we could bring our daughter.  Usually my husband goes with one of his friends, but last night, Emily and I went. 

 

Yankee stadium has a charm to it and most of that charm isn't from the structure of the building, it is from the people who visit, work and play there.  We sit in section 27.  There are a good number of people in this section who also hold Friday Package tickets, so we see the same people again and again.  It's like a family.  The people who sit in this section are a special sort, they like to have fun, they love to cheer the Yankees, they protect their own, they share, they encourage participation and most of all they stick together.

 

I could write a whole story about the people we sit with, and I promise you it would be quite entertaining.  This story is about Emily.  Emily was very happy to be at this game for a number of reasons.  She knew it was the last of the Friday games she would be able to get to.  She also wanted to see a group of guys that she heard tales of from those who have come home raving about.  It's a group of about 4-5 guys who changed the words to the YMCA song. They sing it during the 7th inning stretch.  This is something you can only see if you sit in section 27.  It is quite special, if the video comes out, I promise to share it with you. 

 

The other reason Emily was excited about going is because of a squirrel that recently made Section 27 famous.  Section 27 is lined up right in front of the right field foul pole.  At the beginning of the season, on one particular Friday night, a squirrel decided to watch the game atop the foul pole.  Section 27 being the good natured people that they are, encouraged the squirrel by cheering it every time it moved either up or down said pole.  The little rodent was quite entertaining to watch and apparently it enjoyed the attention of the crowed because it stayed for most of the game.  I think it needed to beat the traffic rush though because it left at the bottom of the 8th inning.

 

On Wednesday night August 29th the little fellow returned and section 27 gave him a warm welcome!  Section 27 can be quite loud, and if you recall I said that they are quite proficient at encouraging participation.  So much so that they were able to get the whole stadium cheering for the squirrel. The crowd drew enough attention to have the film crew covering the game for TV, film the squirrel and continue to check on him throughout the game.  On Thursday night, section 27 came up with an idea that would honor their new mascot.  Each time the pitcher struck someone out, in stead of hanging a "K" on the wall, they hung up a picture of a squirrel!  The film crew captured this for posterity as well.

 

Last night the park was beautiful.  The temperature was perfect, about 70 degrees with a gentle breeze caressing our faces.  The waning moon hung right over Yankee stadium adding to the ambiance and we all sat and waited for the squirrel to arrive!  The Yankees too of course, but we really did hope to see our new found mascot.  We ate our sandwiches, drank our mood enhancers, cheered for the team and waited, and waited and waited.  The little varmint never showed!  Emily was quite disappointed.  She decided that the next best thing was to have her picture taken next to the pole.  The game was just about over and the people sitting by the pole were still there.  I explained to Emily that I would take her picture, but she had to ask the peoples permission as well.   She would have to stand in front of them to take the picture and it would be rude to walk in without permission.

 

Emily went down and asked permission and I took the picture.  I was having camera problems and before I could get a descent shot, she shook her head, waved me away and walked back to me with a devastated look on her face.  She was almost in tears. 

I inquired why, she answered "the people were making fun of me."

"What did they say?" I asked.

"I don't know." she mumbled.

"Then how do you know they were talking about you?"

Stomping back to her seat she grumbled "I just know!"

 

Back at our seats all of section 27 now wanted to know why poor Emily was upset.  I filled the "family" in and a few of them offered to give the folks below an attitude adjustment.  I thanked them and explained that wouldn't be necessary.  I continued to talk to Emily about the situation and tried explaining that the people were most likely not talking about her.  I further explained not only were they not talking about her, they probably didn't even notice her.  She would hear none of it, she was convinced.

 

Now being a non judgmental parent who doesn't have a persecution complex I am not feeding into her paranoia.  This is causing the poor child to get even more upset.  She now feels like she was made fun of and her mother is doing nothing to protect her.  I then seize the moment and take her into a learning experience. 

I turn to Emily and say "Do you want me to go down and talk to them?" 

Pouting, she nod in the affirmative.

"Well, all right then, lets go." I grab her hand and stand. 

My husband turns white and says "Where are you going?" as if he didn't know.

"I'm just going to go down and talk to the people Emily is upset with." I informed him, like I believe he didn't know.

 

I do this sort of thing often and this always worries my husband.  I have no idea why.  I can see the terror on his face.  I know the thoughts running through his head; "She's going to get in a fight"  "She is going to get us kicked out" "She is going to make me miss watching the Yankees loose this game" and so on. This is because he is judgmentally paranoid as well as being a pessimist.  I look at him, pat him on the knee and say "it will be fine."

 

Now Heather, one of the "family," had overheard the conversation, saw the terror stricken look on my husbands face and offers to go with me.  I know the code, Section 27 sticks together, so I said sure.  I like Heather a lot and was happy for the back up.  Now I knew darn well that the people were not making fun of Emily.  I was also relatively certain they weren't even talking about her.  I had no fear going into this situation and I knew when all was said and done it would be a positiveexperience for all.  Emily Heather and I walked down to the people by the foul pole. 

 

The seats behind the people I wanted to speak with were empty so we sat there.  I tapped the man nearest to the pole on the shoulder and said "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure" he replied

In the nicest, most non threatening voice I could muster I said "My daughter was here a few moments ago and she felt that you may have been making fun of her"

"We would never do that!" He answered

"That's what I told her." I agreed. "Thank You!"

 

I was just about to get up to leave, when a woman sitting with them turns on attitude and says to the woman next to her and says "I don't believe this!"

"Believe what?" I asked

"That you came down here and accused us of making fun of your daughter!" was her retort.

"I'm sorry" I said.  "That was not my intention.  I didn't think that for one moment, but my daughter did.  I am trying to teach my daughter that more often then not people are not talking about her.  Additionally, I wanted to teach her that it is important to talk to people to find out what the truth is.  I want her to learn that it is important to communicate with people if you feel hurt or upset.  I also wanted her to learn that you can do this politely.  I am very sorry if I offended you."

"Wow, that's really cool!" she understood and went on to explain that they were talking about the squirrel and all the attention the section has been getting. 

 

We had a great conversation and then went back to our seats.  Emily felt better, Heather was impressed, Rich was relieved and I felt certain that my daughter had learned an important lesson.

 

The lesson: Try to avoid being judgmental.  If you can't, at least ask before you shoot.

Tags: Yankees, Squirrl, Inspiration, BELIEVE, Hope, Lessons

Intimates

This poem made me wonder if this man had a very judgemental wife.  It also made me giggle.

 

Intimates

D. H. Lawrence

 

Don't you care for my love? she said bitterly.

I handed her the mirror, and said:
Please address these questions to the proper person!
Please make all request to head-quarters!
In all matters of emotional importance
please approach the supreme authority direct!--
So I handed her the mirror.

And she would have borken it over my head,
but she caught sight of her own refection
and that held her spellbound for two seconds
while I fled.

Tags: Poetry, Hope, Believe, Giggle, Inspiration

Reader Beware: The Blogs that follow will have topics that are meant to challenge you.  The idea behind them is to help you deal with judgmental people.  They also may challenge your own judgmental side.  Various topics will be presented that may truly test your limits. Consider it an exercise.  An exercise that I hope you will enjoy.

Today we will discuss the judgmental people that fall into category one:

The Ignorant and Lazy

 

Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.”

~Jesse Ventura  Governor of Minnesota

 

I would like to start this discussion by offering a quote:

I'm going to ask you to stretch your "judgey" muscles with me. (and don't shoot me!) I do not necessarily agree with the above statement.  I do think it is a good conversations starter.

 

I will never forget when Jesse said the above quote.  It just so happens that I am part of an organized religion and everyone in it took offence.  Everyone but me. 

 

Why, you ask?

1.  I don't offend easy.

2.  I know I am not weak-minded.

3.  There may be strength in numbers, but misery loves company.

4.  Because it didn't apply to me. 

5.  It did apply to many of those in the organized religion to which I belong!  The "judgey" ones! 

 

Read on and see if you agree at the end.

 

The Ignorant and/or Lazy

 

The Ignorant and/or Lazy:  These are the types of people who are either completely uninformed, or accept the opinion or teachings of others without any real knowledge or research.  These are people who never question the rules and are the first to say "that's not fair!"  They assault you with their personal beliefs and have the uncanny ability to make you feel worthless even though you know they are horribly wrong in their assessment.

 

The ignorant and/or lazy feed off of small bits of knowledge.  They pretty much believe everything they hear if it even sounds like it could be true.  Especially when they get those e-mails that seem to circulate on and on and on.  My favorite is the one that your pet will die if you use a "Swiffer" sweeper in your house.

 

They also will believe whatever they are told by someone in authority.  This could be anyone from a police officer, public official, president, or clergy member.  Once they have this so called "knowledge" they feel the need to spread the knowledge around and share it with the world, especially YOU!

 

Their motive: 

They want to feel important and intelligent without actually doing any of the work or research necessary. 

 

How they will react:

 

If they like what they hear they will do all they can to comply to the information gathered. They will then share the information with you, and insist that you follow this very important advice also.

 

If they do not like what they hear, they will immediately start the defamatory campaign.  They will bash the individual or organization to anyone who will give them five seconds of their attention.  They will have just enough details to seem intelligent about the situation.  If pressed into question they may make up facts as they go along to support their cause.

 

Let me give you a personal anecdote:

 

One of my jobs is to educate people how to protect children from being sexually abused.  All of the people that attend my program have preconceived notions and are members of an organized religion that frowns upon gays.  I have many challenges when presenting this topic and many myths that need to be addressed.  Because of their belief system, the myth that people attending truly believed the most was that gays were the main perpetrator of this horrible crime.

 

The truth is,  most sexual predators are heterosexual men.  This was really quite a surprising fact that most people have a hard time accepting.  The problem is, if I am unable to convince people that this is in fact a truth, these people will remain ignorant and unable to correct a highly preventable situation. 

 

Fortunately, I am usually able to help people understand that it is important for them to learn the facts, if they truly wanted to make a difference and help children.  I presented the facts.  Usually that is enough.  If it isn't enough I am able to share personal knowledge.  I have known 10 sexual predators.   Out of the ten; four of them were were arrested, three out of the four did time, 1 was a woman, 1 was a priest and 1 was a homosexual.  My personal experience seemed to back up that of various agencies doing the research.  ( I can provide that information if you wish)

 

How to deal with the ignorant and/or lazy:

 

Fortunately the ignorant and lazy are the easiest to handle.  IT'S TRUE! 

 

If they are simply ignorant and lazy:

 

Do not make them feel ignorant or lazy!  Then YOU will be the "Judgey" one! 

 

The best way to handle this type of person is to empower them.  Listen to their side, find out where they got their information.   Acknowledge their interest and their thoughtfulness in sharing their knowledge.  This will disarm them and then you can begin to introduce the truth, or gently suggest alternatives that they may want to explore.  If you do this properly you will find this person very grateful that you showed interest in them and took the time to share with them.

 

If they are ignorant and lazy with an obnoxious attitude:

 

The first step would be to try the above method.  It may work, but it will take a lot of patience.  If you are successful, you will have truly accomplished something.  If it doesn't work, you may be forced to embarrass them with the truth, by presenting them with it. Cold hard facts backed up with visual support works wonders.   If that doesn't work you may want to resort to my fourth suggestion from Tuesday.

 

Use a bit of Irish Diplomacy:  "Tell them to go to hell so that they look forward to the trip" or "Tell them to go copulate with themselves, VIGOROUSLY!"  If enough people do this, they may eventually get the idea.

 

 

When I applied my method above to Jesse's quote, here is what I came up with.:

 

I felt sorry for him that he had such bad experiences with those in organized religion.  I also understood that in HIS eyes, it was a very accurate assessment.  When I looked at many of the people in the group I am involved with I could find a good number of them who followed the so called "rules" of the church, just because they were told to do so.  They had no understanding of the rules, nor did they know why the rules were made.  They just followed them blindly.  Many of the rules were antiquated and no longer in effect!  But, that was what they were told, and it was easier just to keep following them then to gain understanding and insight. So, they just follow mindlessly.

 (Did I stretch your "judgy" muscles?  What do you think?)

 

To sum things up:  

When dealing with an ignorant or lazy individual who feels the need to judge you, take a deep breath, consider their motives, access if they can be moved to learn, then act accordingly.

 

Tags: Ignorant, Lazy, Judgemental, Hope, Believe, Inspiration

The quest for passion.

 

 

We take a brief break from our "Judgy People" to finish our last assignment on seduction.

 

The last step in finding our passion is Step Four:

 

Take a look at all of the things that you seem to have found passion in. 

 

As you look at the list, find the first item that makes you say "I miss doing that, I wish I could still do that!" and go and do it.  Don't just try it once or twice.  Make a commitment to it, it could be a month, six weeks, or a year, but make a commitment ahead of time, the length of time you will visit the passion.

 

This commitment is important especially if it is something you haven't tried in years.  It may take us a while to regain the skill or learn new methods or technologies that have developed throughout the years.  If you don't give yourself enough time to revisit a passion you may be selling yourself short.

 

As time goes by visit each passion on your list.  Give each passion its rightful amount of time.  As you do, you will find that passion will return to your life and you will find yourself a much happier and passion filled person.

 

Enjoy your quest for passion!

 

Tags: Seduction, Searching, Hope, Believe, Inspiration