Dealing with the judgmental offender who has some sort of emotional or geographical hold on you.
The solution to this is somewhat easier then yesterdays perpetrator, but the methods used require you to "grow a set."
The person who offends in this capacity is usually someone who is an elder. Most of us were taught to respect our elders, and I do adhere to that. However, when an elder refuses to respect us in return, it does change the rules slightly.
It is always a good thing to retain your respect for the person. You can respect the person and respond with respect, and still disrespect the behavior that the person displayed.
Now let me give you a personal example so you will understand what I mean:
I have a father-in-law who is ridiculously prejudiced. This doesn't sit well with me. I have a variety of friends of every race, nationality, and religion. I also fought against the KKK from coming into school when I was in high school. prejudice causes my father to be obnoxiously uncomfortable in the company of a variety of different ethnic backgrounds. I do not agree with my father-in-laws opinions or his behavior, however I think it is important for my children to know their grandparents. This causes me to have strictly "family" events where only the family is invited; my friends and my family are invited to all other gatherings. This way I am able to respect my father-in-law, and make all parties feel comfortable when at my house.
This man is my children's grandfather. We all know that grandparents are famous for telling stories. Mostly they tell their grandchildren endearing stores of their parents youth. My father-in-law however told degrading and untrue stories of my husband to my children. It was at this point, as a parent and wife, I needed to confront the situation. My father-in-law is 6 feet tall and a former Marine, I am five feet tall and a dancer. He could kick my ass without even lifting his foot of the ground. He degraded my husband once too often in front of my kids. I stood up, looked up at him and said "Never again make the father of my children look bad in their eyes." I didn't threaten or give an ultimatum.
I am not confrontational. I had never spoken back to anyone. I had never even gotten into a disagreement with anyone in the family before. I also never kept my thoughts or feelings quiet in as far as how I felt about anything in particular. I don't bluff. He knew that. While I didn't threaten or give and ultimatum, he knew that I was serious and that things would not go well if he continued to engage in such behavior. That was the last time he ever did such a thing.
When dealing with this type or person, address the specific behavior and how it makes you feel. It is not necessary to insult the person or attack the their feelings. They will get the point if you tell them how their behavior makes you feel and that you are unable to tolerate it.
People in your life who have a judgmental choke hold on you, keep that hold because you allow it. You can stop it. You can do it respectfully. You just have to believe in yourself and that you are worth it.
1 comment:
Rosemary I think you handled this with maturity and wisdom. It's definitely not to your childrens' loss if they don't get to hear grandpa's "stories" if they're bigoted and a horrid influence. Still, blood does bind us. I'd not change a thing about your present attitude, you've gone to extremes to show respect to your elder who doesn't feel the need to return it to others, play it all by ear I'd say. And BTW as your elder myself, I'd feel terrible if you respected me w/o meaning. You're very genuine and passionate, I think you've already grown your "set" lol. xo CATHY
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