Ok, so, you've raised your kids, they are now some where in their teens or early 20's. And BAM, the worst happens. I could give you a long list of "worst's" but for the sake of this discussion fill in what ever your own worst case scenario is. Pregnancy, DWI, arrest, drugs, this list is limitless.
Now you know you have raised your child right. You have done all you could do to love and care for him or her. All in all, things went well. Sure there were the bumps in the road, but over all, they were good kids. The bumps were not the kind of bumps that would ever lead you to believe your child could end up in this situation.
Then he or she does. What do you do now? If you are like most parents, you start blaming yourself. You stay awake at night reliving their childhood and trying to figure where you went wrong.
The truth of the matter is this... YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! Yes... all capitals! Sure you aren't perfect, but if your child gets into a mess that is life changing after the age of 16, when up until then they had been fairly decent kids, it's THEIR fault!
The thing about raising children to be adults is allowing them the ability to make choices. Unfortunately, like the rest of us, they are not perfect, and they also have their youth working against them. So when they do something stupid. It is just that. It is their mistake, they must own it, and they must deal with it.
You must be there to support and encourage them. You must be there to give them hope and let them know they are still loved. However, you do not need to blame yourself for something they did. Playing the blame game won't help in this situation, try instead to focus on what can be done to deal with the situation properly. You and your child will come through your challenge stronger and less likely to ever wind up in a similar situation again.
10 comments:
Boy, you hit the nail on the head when you said "stay awake at night wondering what you did wrong". The blame game is a hard one to get past. Been there, done that.
Hugs, Joyce
Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.
But come out the other side!!!!!
Carolxx
Very profound and true. Thanks for sharing.
~Maria
I will add one thing to this, I have found at Dad's facility "children" who constantly find fault with their parents(I am not talking past beatings or neglect, I am talking NORMAL stuff) who wonder why their children are dismissive of them???
but they are very dismissive & blameful with their own elderly parents. Uhm, maybe cause your kids learned that at home? ~Mary
great entry; I tended to play the blame game, but you are so right, its their choice; funny thing is society tends to want to blame the parents
thanks, needed this :)
betty
good advice hope I remember it in 10 years time!!LOL thanks mrs t xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/mleppard06/eternity
http://thelilacdiary.blogspot.com
I've got no experience in raising kids, Rosemary, but there comes a point I believe that as a parent you have to let go and allow them to make their own mistakes. Be there to provide a shoulder and the rest of course.
As a parent of adult children I know how easily I turned their youthful goofs into something I must've done wrong. I know better now, but it took awhile, in fact not until my children became parents themselves. You're very right about this and I applaud you for saying so. Sometimes it's harder to let someone know they're just fine than it is to criticize them. CATHY
http://journals.aol.luddie343/DARETOTHINK/
A freind just sent me over tor read your journal. Especially this entry. I have a teenage daughter going thru some terrible stuff right now, and I just wrote an entry how I blame myslef. I'll be putting your journal on alerts. When you have some time, take a look at my journal. It's private, but I'll add you as a reader.
Missie
I've been there a million times over. I even blamed myself for being deaf and not giving my daughter a normal parent (Yeah, I know...it wasn't something I exactly asked for or could control). In the end I had to let go and let her live her life....I think it's the hardest thing for any parent to do. You still worry, lose sleep, and hope against all odds they make it over the bridge.
My daughter is 19 getting married in June and her then husband will be leaving for Iraq in July or August (his specialty is the machine gunnist)....To think last year at this time she was in her first year of college. I would of loved to see her continue her schooling and make something of her life. I have realized she has to make that choice and whatever choices she makes, she will be the one who has to live with them not me. In all the arguments and bitter words she tried to push me away, out of her life. I finally told her, no matter what you do I'm still your mother and you know I will be here when you need to me....In the end she is realizing that.
We can have an ideal life in mind for our kids. They have a right to decide it's not the life they want to pursue. And that doesn't have to change our relationship with them at all....just go with the flow. (Hugs) Indigo
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